Independence Day – the celebration of one’s freedom from tyranny

(A Letter to Megan Ellen)

 

Healing is a journey that takes various forms. As I now am further along on my path, I have the good fortune of reframing my past to recognize both the positive and negative aspects.

In the years since I have posted last, I have taken a road that contained life experiences that challenged and tested me. I cannot say it was or is easy.

Materially, I am living mostly paycheck to paycheck as many humans do; and, I am renting a room in someone’s basement. My job as a barista for the last nearly three years has given me time to further myself emotionally and spiritually (outside of work) as well as teaching me better communication skills especially as a team member at work. Now I am definitely ready to move into a career that will truly sustain me financially and provide more intrinsic rewards for myself and others.

Beginnings and endings are difficult for me. This first entry after years of this website lying dormant is an important one. Recently my daughter, Megan, visited me for a week. Megan and I talk often; but, we very seldom see each other in person. I wrote the below letter to Megan; and, decided to share it with you, my readers.

Survivors have much in common. It is my wish that this letter might somehow resonate with you and with family and friends who care about you. I wish you all true freedom!

 

—–

 

June 21, 2014

My dearest, darling daughter, Megan,

It has been some time since I’ve written you a heartfelt letter. Your visit was a true blessing. I love your company; and I love you!

Megan, as you know that Pooh saying resonates with me regarding both you and I.

 “If ever there is tomorrow when we’re not together… there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we’re apart… I’ll always be with you.”

 ― A.A. Milne

I believe we are both braver, stronger and smarter than we think. I also believe that you, Megan, are as strong if not stronger than I in many ways. Deep inside, we both are sweet, gentle souls with a toughness and strength.

Sometimes I look back at my childhood and yours. I cannot and do not want to compare for each individual is different. I had very little love at my foundation of my life; but, there must have been enough. I’m grateful that you have had and do have the experience of a mom who loves you deeply in actions, words, and heartfelt emotions. Love — true Love — was also experienced by you from many people from the Landstuhl Catholic Community as well as elsewhere. One of our conversations last week contained the agreement between us that LOVE & GOODNESS is much more powerful than hate and evil. LOVE WINS! Good wins. Truth wins. Oh, it may take time; but, ultimately TRUTH & LOVE & GOODNESS triumph.

One day, daughter, you will most likely awake to the truth of your past, to the truth of the abuse you endured perpetrated by your father and others. Of course, I would like to help you on your healing journey. Whether I am available or not will not prevent you from healing.

I have faith in you as well as faith and trust in God. I know the strengths and love contained within you. I know the truth matters to you, to your soul, and spirit. As I mentioned to you, I finally am being a more authentic and genuine person; and, it shows in my daily life (as some people have used those specific words to describe me). The gentle, sweet, and genuine parts of me as well as the strong parts are able to surface more often and be noticed by myself and others. It is freedom to be me (defects and all). I am grateful. I finally am internalizing I am worthy of Love; and, I am learning to love myself via self care and self compassion. Facing the truth of the abuse was self-preserving and a very compassionate action even though it was extremely painful. You were the impetus to face the abuse; and, it freed me. (Unfortunately your freedom has not arrived yet for the consequences at your age for telling the truth of the abuse were so damaging).

I believe that when you face the truth of your past that you, Megan Ellen, will have the strength and determination to travel your healing path with courage and resolve. You are strong. You are gentle. You are capable. You are most likely stronger than I … with many more years ahead of you … You are worthy of true self love and love from others.

Resources are available and I do not need to say that any more. Even with support, the healing journey is rough; but, it is worth it. You are worth it.

Oh, Meggie, I love you.

I carry you in my heart always. I send my love & prayers to you always … Be good to yourself.

 

Mom

P.S. Maybe one day you will write the book we talked of writing together! I think of that often. Before November, 2007, you said you would write of the abuse, of the truth from your perspective as a young person; and, I would write it from mine (as a former wife and mom). It would be one book sharing the same truth …. our story of surviving terrible abuse and torture, but thriving ….

Books are not the most important things though. Healing … love … truth … compassion … of oneself and others is what matters.

(c) Gail Mulczynski, 2014

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